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Have you ever noticed how within moments of someone suggesting we start a fire in the camp that a special person emerges? An almost superhero-type personality, a driven and focused person, the kind of ‘no-nonsense’ person that’s not to be messed with. Enter the FIRE MONITOR!

You may collect the kindling or the wood, he will appreciate that (although most of it won’t be to his ozone layer smashing standards) but do not, I say again, DO NOT under any circumstances try to arrange said kindling in any fire-like structure; this is not your role and this act will be met with an eye roll at the very least.

The Fire Monitor has his methods; they are not ad hoc, they are techniques driven by science, passed down through the generations or learned from fire Jedis – they are not for the common man.

The Fire Monitor will never use an accelerant or newspaper, such is the act of the layman to start the fire. No, leaves and naturally occurring fuels are all that will enter his project. A lighter or gas burner will never bring life to his creation, only a flint or single match, before he slowly looks around the camp to see who’s watched his feat.

Once the fire triangle of heat, fuel and oxygen has been completed and flames lick toward the sky, the Fire Monitor’s real task begins. It is now time to feed the beast, nurture it and keep it safe from the uneducated in the camp, who are the enemy from this moment on. The ‘fire murderers’ will attempt to harm his friend and they must be stopped. The Fire Monitor will leave his friend only to visit the toilet and he would even do that next to the fire if the rest of us would allow it.

He knows that every time he turns his back someone is going to attempt to carry out at least one of the following: stoke it incorrectly, throw rubbish into it, steal coals from it for his camp oven or put a barbecue plate over it. None of these acts are acceptable to the Fire Monitor, so be prepared for a dressing down if you are irresponsible enough to cross these lines.

The Fire Monitor can be  a controlling and annoying member of the camp if you
allow them to be, but here’s  my tip for embracing him: let him do the bloody lot and enjoy your beer!  

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